The Klingon programmer
I found this text at
in fact, that page contains even more humor.
Top 20 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer:
- Defensive programming? Never! Klingon programs are always on the
offense. Yes, offensive programming is what we do best.
- Specifications are for the weak and timid!
- This machine is GAGH! I need dual Pentium
processors if I am to do battle with this code!
- You cannot really appreciate Dilbert
unless you've read it in the original Klingon.
- Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your
- What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software
'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers
and quality assurance people in its wake.
- Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have
'arguments' -- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
- Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the
weak. Bugs are good for building character in the user.
- I have challenged the entire ISO-9000 quality assurance team to a
Bat-Leth contest on the holodeck. They will not concern us again.
- A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his
- By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family.
Prepare to die!
- You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you
- Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship
it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
- Our competitors are without honor!
- Python? That is for children. A Klingon Warrior uses only machine
code, keyed in on the front panel switches in raw binary.
- Klingon programs don't do accountancy. For that, you need a
- Klingon multitasking systems do not support "time-sharing".
When a Klingon program wants to run, it challenges the scheduler in
hand-to-hand combat and owns the machine.
- Perhaps it IS a good day to die! I say we ship it!
- My program has just dumped Stova Core!
- Behold, the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior
that ever lived!